Semi-Annual Sanity Check

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Once again I have defied the odds and managed to pass my sanity check. You see, twice a year I have to go in to see the shrink to make sure I'm not nuts. Why? Well I get anxious for no particular reason. Ok more than just anxious. This is more like a full force, raving panic.

Started back, hmm, oh I'd say back when I was in high school. I just had no idea what it was at the time. Figured I was just getting exhausted or maybe ate bad food or something. But then it started happening more regular and more often. Next thing you know I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to hold down my dinner just because someone invites me to a hockey game.

What's really amazing about it though is that it never really got in the way of my theater work. Oh don't get me wrong, I had panic attacks while I was doing theater too. I'd be so tense before a show you just had to poke me and I'd explode. But for some reason, the demands of the show managed to override my panic attacks at the last minute.

When I was in college, I had to give a 60 minute lecture complete with handouts and so forth on Arthurian Literature. I honestly don't know how I managed to get started. I literally couldn't see the table in front of me when I stood up to begin my presentation. The whole world was fuzzed out. But then I started. The words came forth, next thing you know I'm done and it's time for a break. Can't say I remember much of what I talked about but I DO remember people coming up to me during the break telling me how much they enjoyed the presentation and how CALM I appeared. They were amazed and thought I should do more public speaking. If they only knew how much it took out of me :-)

It didn't always happen like that. Hell when I was in high school I was on the debate team, did lots of theater, band, all sorts of stuff that put me in front of an audience. Sometimes the panic would set in, sometimes not. I had no idea when it would happen or what would set it off. My only consolation was that I knew it would STOP as soon as the show got started. The show ALWAYS came first.

When I really started to lose my hearing the anxiety got worse. I quit going out entirely. Didn't really see the point in it. I mean, 1. I couldn't hear anything and 2. I'd probably end up feeling sick anyway.

What made the difference was Lucky Charms . . . the breakfast cereal. I was eating some and in the process I broke a tooth. Now, the tooth was already cracked and had been filled before. Breakfast just pushed it over the edge. I actually called in sick that day because I was so stressed out over it. It's just a tooth. I'd had it filled before. I knew the dentist. Been going there since I was a kid. None of that mattered.

That was when I decided I'd had enough. I called a shrink, went over there that afternoon. Been going to one every 3-6 months ever since. These days it's just to check in, make sure nothing dramatic has happened and pick up prescription renewals. Does it work? Yeah, I'd say so. I managed to get married didn't I? :-)